By Kate Marshall
Grandparent Dept., The San Diego Family Magazine, April 2005
Kate Lacy remembers her granfather as a bristly haired, warm hug of a man who was generous with lemon drop candies. He died when she was 5. She recalls her grandmother as a "brilliantly colored Macaw, flying in from Ohio to nest in the guest room." Her granmother passed away when she was in my early 20s
For many families today, making the most of grandparents is a challenge, especially when separated by long distances. Many of us move away for college, jobs or independence. Or our aging parents move away from us for cheaper, greener or warmer pastures. It is not easy for busy, working families to allocate limited vacation time between visiting distant relatives, family recreation, personal business and perhaps a romantic getaway. When children see their grandparents so rarely, it takes extra effort to nurture grandparent-grandchildren relationships. What can parents, as the go-between, do to help our children make the most of their grandparents?
1. Communicate. Talk with your parents and in-laws about what each of your hopes and expectations are for the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Are there health or financial realities to consider? There are some good books about grandparenting to help clarify goals and strategies, among them Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s Grandparenthood (Routledge, $31, with Dr. Steven Kaplan) and The Long Distance Grandmother 4 Ed, by Selma Wassermann (Hartley & Marks Publishers, $17)
2. Be a role model. If your kids see you wanting and enjoying a relationship with your parents and grandparents, they will too.
3. Discuss time and money issues for travel. Even with low-cost airlines such as Southwest, traveling in and out of San Diego can be costly. Resentment or guilt can grow from perceptions that one side is spending too much or too little time or money on travel. If you have money to travel, but no time, offer to buy tickets for your retired parents to visit. Or if your parents’ budget can handle traveling but their aging bodies cannot, maybe they will buy your tickets. Older kids can fly solo with “Unaccompanied Minor” airline service.
4. Make one-on-one time. Bonding happens when a hug from grandma cures a bumped head. If you are nearby after the fall, your child will seek comfort from you instead of learning that grandma can be a safe haven too. A win-win deal is for grandparents to take over at home while you and your spouse take off for a rejuvenating weekend alone. First test it out next time they are in town with a romantic evening out. Did it go well enough to consider a weekend away or more? Be sure your parents are of like mind and not feeling used as free babysitters. Or plan a trip to the movies or ballpark for them. Resist the urge to go too. If your parents are a little frail, offer to be chauffeur but not chaperone.
4. Create traditions. Help start some rituals your kids can count on, such as: Grandma always sends homemade cookies at back-to-school time; or the first to see a daffodil calls the other each spring.
5. Suggest a trip. Bailey and Charlie Symington of South Carolina take each grandchild on a trip when they turn 12. The grandchild picks the destination, with some cost and grandparent comfort guidelines. So far they have taken one to Red Sox spring training in Florida and another on a trip to Italy.
6. Value family history. Ask the grandparents to share their life story for posterity. Your kids (and their kids) will eventually want to know: Who were their grandparents? What were they like before they were old? What values did they want to pass on? Make it easy by giving them The Book of Myself: A Do-it-Yourself Autobiography in 201 Questions by grandfather-grandson team Carl and David Marshall (1997, Hyperion). Or ask them questions about their past and videotape their answers.
7. Reveal the younger grandparent. Ask your parents to share something impressive from their more youthful days. Grandpa can send pictures of the racing car he built from scratch. Yes, that muscle-bound stud leaning against the hood was him. Grandma can send a photo of herself frolicking in the ocean or horseback riding years ago. This helps kids see beyond the older, slower grandparent package.
8. Keep grandparents up to date. Send pictures or a “highlights tape” of your children’s sporting events, recitals, friends or hanging out shots. Have your kids mail copies of report cards, school work or anything else they are proud of. When grandparents are kept in the loop, they can be a more effective and motivated confidant or cheerleader.
9. Use technology. If they don’t already know how, teach your parents to use email or instant messaging. Some kids may be reluctant to talk on the phone and letter-writing is a lost art form, but most kids today feel fine with quick exchanges online. They can make up a story together by email, each adding a line or two as they go.
10. Create traditions. Help start some rituals your kids can count on, such as" Grandma always sends homemade cookies at back-to-school time; or the first to see a daffodil in the spring calls the other.
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Kate Marshall and her daughter Emily co-authored Words to Live By: A Journal of Wisdom for Someone You Love (Broadway Books, April 2005) and The Book of Us: A Journal of Your Love Story in 150 Questions (Hyperion, 1998)
